Melanin, Mary Jane, and Memories
About ten years ago I went on my first trip to Las Vegas with a few co-workers, $300, and a very naive plan to find a wife that would pay for my expensive lifestyle. After checking into our hotel and settling into the pool we were excited to find out that E! was taping their variety show live from our very location all week. The problem with working at night and sleeping all day is that once the camera starts rolling you will be told by the director that your pale, skinny, white frame is severely disrupting the white balance and asked to find a pool more suited for people who went to their prom “stag”. So, after getting out of the water, surrounded by people who are tanner and prettier than I could ever be I made a silent promise to myself that I would prove to those dickheads at E! that I, Jefferson Vanbilliard was not a pale, slack jawed hill billy but rather a super fit, tan, man child who sometimes gets mistaken for a young Zach Morris.
I’m not sure if La Vida Verde has done extensive research on whether or not their 100mg Lemon Pie edible super cookies have the ability to awaken horrible memories you have buried deep inside your subconscious but for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about Giuliana Rancic’s dead eyes glaring at me as I desperately tried to wade out of that pungent cesspool they called a stage. It was a Thursday several years after that fateful day and the familiar buzz from these 1:1 CBD infused chewy coconut clusters were starting to set in as I made my way into Downtown Santa Ana to find something to eat. I had grown up a lot since returning from the desert and I thought I had made peace in my soul with that scumbag network but it all came rushing back to me when I noticed a storefront advertisement promising to “Have me looking bronzed in minutes”. This was my chance, I would finally get the admirations from my peers, respect I deserved, and the skin of a Greek Goddess.
I entered the pink and white offices to find myself surrounded by the steady glares of no less than six women. As sweat slowly began to form on the small of my back I met each of their eyes individually, slowly blinking and making no sudden movements as to not spook them or show weakness. I was out of my own comfort zone and could hear the distinct sounds of freshly hardened wax being ripped off of some woman’s body somewhere nearby.
One thing every daily cannabis user can attest to is that being faded in a new situation can be a bit overwhelming at times. I once had to talk myself down from an anxiety attack due to a crowded DMV and some questionably potent flowers, and undressing in front of someone I don’t know and letting them spray god knows what on my body sounded like the worst idea ever in my current state. As I stood there in a pool of my own regret and self doubt I knew It was too late, I’d already reached the point of no return.
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As I stepped out of that office I was confident with my new look, and as I made my way towards the nearest restaurant to quell my cannabis induced hunger I knew I had to test drive my lastest complexion. For my experiment I knew a mid afternoon beer would not only help ease the high from those potent cookies but also serve as an excuse to test my theory. So I stood there, looking like Macaulay Culkin with slightly less melanin, while I slowly drank my beer and made eye contact with a woman that I once liked but never got further than a quick dinner with. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I made up something about needing to “get home” so I could feed a non existent dog. I knew the spray tan had done its magic when I received a text message shortly after saying that “it was SO good seeing you”. Yeah right, I thought. I knew the real reason, it was the tan.
